I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
You Might Also Like
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
this has to be peak English
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
We will use anything but the metric system
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”