I think we should hear other voices.
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*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.