I think we should hear other voices.
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My work here is don’t.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
when unicorns get really drunk
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?