I think we should hear other voices.
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Be the reason someone burns sage.