Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle