Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo