Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.