Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.