I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning