I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
![]()
You Might Also Like
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
![]()
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
![]()
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
![]()
![]()
![]()
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
![]()
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography