I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
real
tfw you realize …
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.