“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂