“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad