I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk