Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.