Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

You wish you had this many chins.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point