I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
How to woo a woman
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers