Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain