I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift