Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.