Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

how DARE

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.