I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
can I use a minion as a tampon
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”