I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
NASA has no chill
When you’re here for the treats.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
work smarter, not harder
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
la cocaina
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone