Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
You Might Also Like
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I never needed anything more in my life
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues