I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw