I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once