I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs