I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.