Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news