If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
screw you
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]