12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.