I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.

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Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants


If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.


Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.


Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?


A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.


100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.


Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.


Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.