I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.

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12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing


How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river


A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.


I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.


Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*


[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid


Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.