[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on