Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!