Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

If you need a laugh.. 😅