“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!