I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
