I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Feel. He’s so soft.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
