[boyfriend goes by]
[boyfriend goes by]
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.


Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.


Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?


A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.


Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday


Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.


Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?