@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

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@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

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Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@RickAaron

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

@LizerReal

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

@GoodPostReilly

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@deegeemindi

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?