Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Skills

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

What a year we’ve had this week.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

secret recipe

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*