I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Morning all.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Dead sexy!!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
hmm conte-me mais
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”