Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

You know…for fall…

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.