Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the greatest thing ever

he’s doing your taxes

Why soy sad?

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

I think the cat got the dog high.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Help

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

This is so wrong 😂

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!