Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?