Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice