I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…