Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee