I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.