One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Thursday
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.