@Sal0630

I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?

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@E_lok44

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@PJTLynch

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@Kryzazy

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?