*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?
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him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“Do you remember that time we-“
Let me stop you right there, no.
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?