Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.