I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
hmmm
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.