Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright