I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.