I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I was just discussing this with my cat
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets