I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I have taken up painting
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Every
Single
Year
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET