I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
March 16
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.