Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.