I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Canada has crack?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I feel it
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING