Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon