Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.