If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I really had high hopes for this year though
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The funk soul brother
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..