I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
wow
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.