I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go