I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
You Might Also Like
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sex so good you see dead people.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
How animals would run if they were human
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts