I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.