I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
i have one speed and it’s mosey